[Kuzco]: 212.A foolish boy

2006-02-06 Emily: Hm... I was a little surprised at the content. I have a few criticisms... it seems a bit like you either wrote this in a hurry and haven't quite edited it yet and left it in its original form or are trying to aim for a weird point of view/narrator.

In any case, I strongly urge you to look this story over -- tenses aren't matching, some sentences don't feel quite finished, and this is hindering such a pretty story heavily.

This tale, in all its glory, is absolutely stunning and beautiful. It is very powerfully written. I think your biggest strength is the conversations going on between your characters; the conversation is both simple, yet very mature. However, the actions they do and sometimes the words they say (such as around friends/brothers, not necessarily those of the opposite sex or lovers), seem a little too 'teenage' if you understand my meaning. However, I'm thinking that this is intentional in your writing; teenagers have both a mature and immature side.

Now... as far as your indention goes... your conversation format is strange and I think it would flow better if you used quotes instead of hyphens. It will make the story flow much better and be able to give you a better flux for your vocabulary and able to test what you can do with characters actions. I would love to see more description and imagery in your writing (perhaps even through the words of your characters. That would be beautiful).

If you want me to go in-depth about the grammatical errors made, I'll be happy to point them out, but I think an edit is the only thing you really need :). And try reading your works out loud and see what doesn't flow off the tongue.

I am still admiring this piece of work. I've been steadily reading it for a while. There's always room to improve, but the plot and general characters you've constructed are pretty good. Though I must admit that everyone only seems to know John at the '16 year old virgin from England'. It seems a little weird to me, but it's okay!

2006-02-06 Kuzco: First, they are teenagers. ;) .
Second, I absolutely agree about the editing, this isn't my only story here which might be way too sketchy on that part. Tenses switching seems to be my major problem overall. I'm trying to work on that here actually (at the site) :).

No need to go in dept about grammatical errors, I don't wanna trouble you any further; it's my piece and It's my effort and time that has to make the edits, appreciate the offer though, really.
I might start using quotes too, seems to be actually easier :), less confusing.

Oh and the "feeling" you got for John was probably due to the beginning: it's a teenager bad boy thing Emily, no self respected gangster can be a virgin seems to be a true enough sterotype so I used it. And they obviously had to influence John a lot for him to take the offer, as I tried to demonstrate.

And yeah, I only read the dialogues off the tongue. ;) Thanks for the tip.

Alright then, now my personal thanks for taking the time; it wasn't a small story and it must’ve been hard at times to NOT get confused with the writing =S. Thanks and believe me when I say that I will take your crits into consideration.
It helped me a lot.