[Kuzco]: 212.Imaginart

2006-01-27 SleepingDragon: I'm a short ways in so far.

The conceptual idea is cool. I like it. You're using present tense,something I find challenging.

Might take me a day or three to get through this as things are hectic around home right now. Doing a bit at a time.:)

2006-01-27 Kuzco: Thanks for the early crit :). But seriously, take your time

2006-01-28 SleepingDragon: About 2 thirds of the way through at this point. Must break to see to chores around the house. :)

One thing struck me odd...Crayons. I'm not sure the history of crayons but they seem out of place to me in the setting.

I've got a file open where I'm pasting in sentences with minor problems. When I'm done, I'll message you with it.

I'll be back later for more. :)

2006-01-28 Kuzco: Crayons? I have no idea what you're talking about....guess, i'll have once you send me those sentences. hahaah, must be quite an army of sentences, thanks for doing that. Again, take yer time ;)

2006-01-28 SleepingDragon: No, not too many really. I'm just doing it in a file to keep my thoughts organized. :)

The crayon thing was that the kids ran and got her crayons and green paper to do her art on after she agreed to help Hugo

2006-01-28 Kuzco: Ah...I see what you mean. yeah, I might've overlooked how they're made ands tuff. We'll see after yer full crit. :)

2006-01-28 SleepingDragon: Finished reading. Now working on the review. :)

2006-01-28 SleepingDragon: Imaginart- critique

General comments...

The good stuff:

* The story defiantely had a plot, utilizing conflict and resulotion. There was a hero and a "Villain" ;) There was a definate climax

* The concept of 'Imaginart' was cool. This could be expanded or reused for other similar stories/sequils if you so chose

* The choice of names for the secondary main character was intersting (Hugo) :)

* As I said before, you used present tense which is challenging. This gave the story it's own kind of vibe in my opinion. Worked real well in some areas of the story

*Very action packed, especially toward the end.


The other stuff:

* Be careful to stay in one tense.The present tense thing became a double edged blade for you in some places, particlarly where you had to describe details of people or things. This produced some sentences where the tense was confusing

* There were the odd run-on sentences, particlarly near the climactic ending where the action picked up (The battle scenes). Mostly a matter of going through and breaking down the action into smaller bites for the reader.

* As mentioned before, the crayons seemed out of place for that world, considering things like how their houses were built, what they wore etc.

Specific instances of problems have been sent to your inbox


Overall comments: A fun read especially for anyone that enjoys big battle scene with 'transformer' style characters. I liked 'Eden' and how it's inhabitants really had a genuine love for Hugo. The big ending reminded of animee or those old godzilla flicks where everyone's fate rested on what happened with the monsters.

In conclusion: A good story that needs some work. It has some great elements working for it. I would consider sitting on it a while, then re-reading with a fresh mind, fixing anything that needs it.