[Phoxx]: 30.Poetry.Regenlied or Rainsong

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2007-08-24 23:19:38
One in Dutch again, there's an English translation below it, though I don't really like that version (yet).


Tranen op mijn ramen,
de hemel huilt haar lied.
Van de opponent der manen,
die geen mens hier ziet.
Ruziƫnde wolken
verscheuren stille lucht

Ik ben aan huis gekluisterd
in de zomer

*diepe zucht*

English version for what it's worth:


Tears on my windows
heaven cries her song.
Of the opponent of moons
which hasn't shown for long.
Arguing clowds
shred the silent sky

I'm trapped at home
in summer

*deep sigh*

2007-08-23 Kiddalee: This is beautiful! I've never seen online actions (the *deep sigh*) in a poem before. Because I've never seen that device, it made my brain pause a bit to make sense of things, but I still find it unique and creative. It's just something I'll have to learn to read as times change. I do like how you even made that part rhyme, even in English.
  I'm curious: how much of the original poem did you have to change in order to translate while maintaining a rhyme pattern? I really love the translation, but if you feel like it's not true to your poem, why don't you consider just translating literally and not bothering to rhyme?
  (By the way, "arguing" is spelled without an "e".)

2007-08-24 Phoxx: Thank you very much for your kind words. I don't know if I would refer to it as "online actions" though I agree it looks like that when reading it on the internet. I'm not sure if I've ever seen it before. I believe creativity is the product of subconsiously combining things you've seen or heard. So it might be stolen just a little :P
It's the first time I tried such a thing, and it fits here.

Only the fourth line was really altered to make it rhyme, though it has the same meaning. Strictly translated it says in Dutch: that no man here sees.
And "I'm trapped at home" is somewhat the same. It's very close to it's the original Dutch, but in Dutch I used a kinda fancy word. Didn't know a suitable English translation, so I picked trapped.
(I'll correct the typo, thnx for telling me.)

2008-07-11 AuroraLumos: I love the sound of the dutch version even if I don't know exactly what it means. The english is beautiful too ^-^

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