[pheonix1984]: 535.random inspiration

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pheonix1984

Created:

2007-01-11 00:28:02

[pheonix1984]: 535.Wanderer's Prayer

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Genre:

Biographical

Style:

short story

License:

Public Domain

This is the first thing I've written in some time. I was scared for a bit that I had lost my ability to write, but... it would seem not. I'm not overly impressed with how this turned out, but it's a good start to getting my groove back. (inspiration came from a Yoko Kanno song. wasn't expecting that)
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I stumbled and fell once more. The rain soaked ground wetting my clothes with the tears of this night, but yet I move on. Driven to madness by the sweet haunting echo of what angel lay beyond. Through the mist and the trees, through brambles and thorns, and though nature may choose to stay my way, it grows ever louder, ever closer. This hallowed sound, this transcendent voice. My strength, my burden, my curse.

And as I came to a clear with a fog kissed lake, this voice now filling my head, my soul. The mist reached out, a soft cool embrace, a beckon home to which I cannot refuse. So with this, seductive caress, the spell complete, my will erased, the veil was lifted, and amidst the fog, with the brush of the moon, I am no more.

Upon the lake in a silken night gown she sang. Her face and arms shining in the moon. A pale lily in the night, dancing upon the waters, wrapped in hazy fog. And as I watched not daring to breathe, never wishing to break this glimpse of heaven. She stopped and turned to meet my eyes, to delve within my soul, and measure me for her self. It was then that I looked away. Not worthy, unfit, how should mortal man deem to assay in the eyes of one so fair, but to my surprise when once our eyes had met again, she smiled. And with outstretched hand beckoned me forward. So with trembling legs I went, and stood upon the waters edge. There we met in a deep embrace, and I bitterly wept, a mortal man wrapped in the arms of a celestial goddess.
An eternity went by that should never end, and she took my hand and led me out upon the waters, and there I remain. Wrapped in fog and moonlight, dancing amidst the stars. Forever within her arms, forever within her song, forever within the lake.

2007-01-13 iippo: It's beautiful, a very difficult theme there, the subtle beauty of death/suicide. I think it might benefit of more sombreness, or at least I was expecting it after the "tears of this night".

Grammar-wise I (as a non-native English speaker) was bothered about the variations in tense: it starts with past tense "stumbled and fell" but then becomes "wetting" (opposed to "was wetting"), "I move on" ("I moved on") and "though nature may choose to stay my way, it grows ever louder" ("it grew ever louder", possibly "nature may have chosen"). The second paragraph also starts with past tense "I came" but then again swaps to present "as I came... this voice filling my head" ("as I came... this voice was filling my head" or "this voice filled my head"), "to which I cannot refuse" ("which I couldn't refuse"), "so with this... I am no more" ("was no more"). The third paragraph is good and problem-free in this aspect. :)
I can understand if it was done on purpose to give a sense of momentum, kind of like glimpses of the current (so the viewer joins the "I" of the story right after he has fallen, then follows him for a while in the current, then goes away and joins him again when he reaches the lake), but it is more awkward for a reader than normal one-tense text.

On smaller text things that caught my eye, "rain soaked" and "fog kissed" as adjectives are easier on the eye (in my opinion) with the hyphen: "rain-soaked" and "fog-kissed" but it's not wrong to write it without it, I just got confused whether it's "ground that had been soaked by rain was wetting my clothes" or missing the article from "the rain soaked the ground, wetting my clothes". There's also some lines that are fragments, "Upon the lake in a silken night gown she sang. Her face and arms shining in the moon." (The latter sentence doesn't have a verb, consider joining them with a comma: "Upon the lake in a silken night gown she sang, her face and arms shining in the moon" or "Her face and arms were shining in the moon.")

In the forum you said it was kind of a take on the sirens, but they are usually described as dangerous monsters with beautiful spell-binding voices... Did you leave that horrible bit out on purpose (a morbid comment on the beauty of death, suicide even), or is it something you might consider adding (leaving the story on a bit of a terrified note when he realises that the beautiful Goddess is his destruction)?

2007-01-13 iippo: Whoa, sorry about the huge comment, didn't realise it stretched so much. X_x;

2007-01-31 Kaimee: Hahaha, I was about to make almost the exact same comment :P Infact, I even went so far as to paste it all to phoenix1984 siren editing along with an edited version, rather than write try and explain it all piece by piece.
I should read the comments first next time ;)