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2006-02-04 chuchutrain: I personally like the second one better ^^ I got a better picture from it. 2006-02-04 kileaiya: Both paragraphs a great, I think I like the 2nd because it is more descriptive. 2006-02-04 SleepingDragon: I like the italicized text in the 2nd one but still prefer the 1st paragraph. You don't need the 2 sentences in that 2nd one unless the dog is of some significance to the story. 2006-02-04 Kaimee: You ever been in an outback town in australia? That dog is the town. They're always there. There is not a single small town that wont have a blue heeler or kelpie asleep on a leash out front of the grocery store, and not a single other person in site because it's so damn hot :P 2006-02-04 Kaimee: Oh, and the italicised text is meant to be in both XD 2006-02-04 Mister Saint: I liked the first one much better. The second one seemed to... re-emphasize the point a bit too heavily for my particular tastes. ^_^ 2006-02-04 Po: *wonders if there is a way to incorporate K's need to have the outback doggie with SD's need for overt significance?* possibly rephrashing it? "There was no one out on the street to see her cry if she chose, no one except for a dog, and he was asleep in the shade of the old grocery store across the way." Or something of that sort, iffin ya know what I mean. :D 2006-02-04 Kaimee: I know there's a rule in short stories: make every word absolutely necessary, don't include anything not significant, blah blah. 2006-02-04 Mister Saint: Was I reading it wrong, or did I read that you asked for opinions, Kaimee? If you aren't going to change the way you write, and you aren't writing for anyone else, then getting opinions is kind of pointless, don't you think? The other rule for a writer is to accept and understand the thoughts of those whose ideas you ask for, not just cast them off, hon. 2006-02-04 Kaimee: Tshe Moorn... *sighs at you* I took the opinions that made sense to me into account and tried to explain why I wasn't going to go with the others. Another rule for the writer to remember is that they are the ones telling the story and that they are going to have to decide what goes into it, and what's important for them to include. 2006-02-04 Mister Saint: Hon, you're going to interpret what I said how you want to hear it anyway, so I'm not arguing with you. Carry on however you like. ^^ 2006-02-04 Kaimee: Sorry, how was I meant to interpret it boyo? :/ 2006-02-04 SleepingDragon: !! Lordy, what happened here? Did I start a mess? Of course it's your story and all decisions are yours. 2006-02-04 Kaimee: The doggy has one sentence :P The paragraph wasn't changed to add it in, it was changed because I don't like the way the sentences sit in the other. [Kaimee]: 5.Contest Entries.Desert Winds - editing options
Rating: 0.00 Uploaded by: Created: 2006-02-04 04:18:23Keywords: This is two different versions of the same paragraph from my entry for the February theme at A Writing Competition, the actual story can be found at 5.Contest Entries.Desert Winds.
Please comment on which paragraph you prefer!!! Please!
Original paragraph:
Shaking, she tried to slam the door to the nursing home only to have it slow and click home gently with it’s pressurised closing mechanism . Fucking cracked old lady, she fumed, standing outside on the dusty yellow stone pavement. Her throat ached, and she tipped her head back to stop the tears in her eyes overflowing, a constant threat. She faced the empty outback town from that step and stared up to the stretched balloon blue sky. She made a deal. I’ll go out there and do it, do it all, or I’ll die. Then at least she would have tried, she had to try. Burning eyes, she felt one tear track it’s way down her dust dry cheek and land in her trembling palm; a promise. She turned and unlocked the door to her car, like an oven after sitting here all day, and drove home to her dead echoing house; angry with the world.
Changed paragraph:
Shaking, she tried to slam the door to the nursing home only to have it slow and click home gently with it’s pressurised closing mechanism . Fucking cracked old lady, she fumed, standing outside on the creamy yellow stone pavement. Her throat ached, and she tipped her head back to stop the tears in her eyes overflowing, a constant threat. Sweat slick where the red dust didn't coat her skin like powder, she felt the heat rising up from the ground, and the sun beating down on her back. The street was empty except for a dog, asleep in the shade of the old grocery store across the way.
She faced the empty outback town from that step and stared up to the stretched balloon blue sky. She made a deal. I’ll go out there and do it, do it all, or I’ll die. Then at least she would have tried, she had to try. Burning eyes, she felt one tear track it’s way down her dust dry cheek and land in her trembling palm; a promise. She turned and unlocked the door to her car, like an oven after sitting here all day, and drove home to her dead echoing house; angry with the world.
Just one thing though 'Sweat slick where the red dust didn't coat her skin like powder, she felt the heat rising up from the ground, and the sun beating down on her back.' The wording of that seems just a tad confusing to me, but other than that it looks great.
It's.. necessary to the way of life, which s what I was trying to but in there :P
And you're right Kileaiya, it's a sentence that doesn't go anywhere :P I'll work on it ^^;
BTW, I preferred paragraph two. Much more evocative than the first one.
But I don't write that way :P This is all significant to me. I'm not writing short stories for you guys, to entertain you, to be the 'Next Best Thing' or a brilliant author.
I'm writing these to get ideas out of my head, and sort through them. And if those ideas happen to need an extra dog, they will have an extra dog >:P
There will always be a lot of opinions that don't end up agreeing with what you're doing, and asking for everyone's opinions doesn't mean you, as the writer, are going to agree with all of them. Sure, you take them into consideration, but there is no rule anywhere saying I have to take in every opinion and change to suit it ;)
It's simply not possible.
In this case, SleepyD's opinion differs from my own and I'm not going to make a change on that particular point, and I've explained why. I am making changes on other points.
I haven't gotten stroppy and I'm not rejecting everyone's opinions :P
Read the comments. I haven't just "cast them off", I've tried to explain why I need them in there, for me, as the writer.
And I don't see anyone arguing it but you ;)
I just questioned the significance of the dog. Evidently it is significant. That's cool. It's all good.
Just wondering though, Is he maybe important enough to have his own paragraph?